Chapter One
There’s only one way to handle the first time you see the ex you never got over: leave your traitorous body. This way, every single detail can be photographically recorded for later analysis and obsession—excuse me, inspection. I separate and monitor the situation from a safe, out-of-body distance.
I’m hugging Miller at this exact moment, but I don’t let it touch me. I definitely don’t acknowledge the flutter in my chest, not when that flutter is a betrayal. Did he actually show up on my parents’ porch fifteen minutes ago? And with Christmas gifts? The glow on his cheeks from our yard’s twinkle lights would suggest as much. As would the rise and fall of his lungs against my ribs.
My lightbulb skirt may have been a bit overboard. Now that I’m in the road pressed against my ex-boyfriend’s still-quite-taut body, the blinking colors between our pelvises feel a little too attention-grabbing.
Our embrace loosens. He’s still holding me, but at least there’s a little circulation between our thumping hearts.
He feels good. He’s still lean, but his new, tightly-fitted clothes celebrate it. The gelled tufts of dark hair dipping down toward me suggest that he has things going on. And somehow, he seems lighter. It’s a bounce in his step. A brightness in his sea-green eyes.
His earlier words jingle around in my brain. I need you in my life, Adia Bell. This can’t be a thing that’s actually happening. Not outside of la-la land. There’s just no way.
“Miller.” I’ve got to stop whispering. It sounds way too seductive.
“Yeah?” His brow creases with pain, though I can’t imagine why. He orchestrated this whole twenty-four-month gap between the last time we gazed into each other’s eyes and now.
There are so many blanks to fill in. Namely, who is this sophisticated man in front of me? And why is he here? And where did the Miller I know go?
The intensity of my own feelings threatens to seep into my awareness, but I talk it away. “I don’t know… This is a lot, right?”
His fingers trail up and down my back as he disappears into his thoughts. Do not acknowledge how good that feels, how familiar.
His lips shape into the hint of a smile. “Just…hang in there with me, okay?”
“With you?” So we’re skipping past the extended radio silence?
He reaches for me, but I’m fully back in my own skin now, and I can’t handle being touched, not by a man who has the power to start a war in my heart with a mere stare.
He redirects his hand into his hair, which is shorter but still temperamental in the most adorable way. “How about we not let this be a big deal? You’re back in town, and I’d like to know you again. I get that it’s been a long time. And you probably feel like I was a dick…but I’d like to see you in whatever way is acceptable.”
At least he’s not completely unaware. But, my goodness, he wants to just start hanging out again, like old friends? Like I haven’t ever slept in his arms or felt the ridges of his scars? This is too weird.
My headband tips over as I hide my thoughts in my hands. Warm fingers slide it back into place. Then they tilt my chin up and drive the chill from my cheeks.
It settles in my spine.
I want to separate from this again, but Miller’s grip is too strong. I stand there in a swell of unbidden longing.
This isn’t something I’ve had to face before. Since I started dating Levi, I haven’t looked at another man. I’ve been perfectly satisfied with the sharp-witted, gregarious one I have.
But those fierce lips of Miller’s remind me of things. Things I really miss. I silently plead with him to release me. My mouth is too distracted by memories to help.
My mom calls from the house. “Adia? Are you out here? I need you for a minute.”
Why is she out of bed in the dark? She could fall. “Coming!”
Miller’s hands stay glued to my face as he searches my eyes for something. “Just one sec, Mom!” What does he want from me? Honestly, I have nothing to give right now. “I’ve got to go.”
My mom walks out onto the porch, using the railing for support. She’s wearing only a thin nightgown, her cocoa-colored hair loose around her shoulders. With no meat on her bones, she’s going to catch a chill, or, worse, take a tumble.
She steals my thoughts. “It’s freezing out here, honey. What are you doing?”
I pull Miller’s hands away from my face, hoping she didn’t see what was happening. She’d be so scandalized. “I’m just…saying hi to someone. Are you okay?”
“I’m looking for something, is all.” She squints at us, trying to figure out who I’m with. I’m not sure if I even want her to know.
“Is that Levi? If he drove all this way, tell him he should come in. I can make up a bed.”
She shouldn’t be fussing with fitted sheets and heavy mattress. I swing back to dismiss Miller, who’s clenching his teeth. Mom’s comment upset him. Guilt seeps around all the other mess in my brain. “I need to go. I shouldn’t be out here when my mom…” I definitely don’t want to finish that thought. I back away, glad for the respite of the sidewalk.
But the irrational part of me aches to return to that quaking chest.
“Hey, Adia…” Miller’s fingertips brush up against my shivery arm, sending a spark into my chest.
Despite all this time—and how happy I am with someone else—I yearn to latch on to those fingers for dear life. What would he feel like under that bomber jacket? Have his muscles softened over time like the rest of him seems to have?
My arms lock together.
Miller’s eyes do the small kindness of releasing me by dropping to the street. “I can respect that you have a boyfriend, but, please, think about coming to the beach. Okay?”
“I…I’ll see.” I rush toward the safety of walls and doors. Mom’s Santa frog and the ginger beer and Christmas mug from Miller greet me. The part of me that once loved that delivery boy, and knows how fragile his heart can be, stops. I whisper loudly, trying not to alarm my parents, “Thanks for these. I’m glad I got to see you.” I look at his familiar outlines and tailored clothes one last time—even in the dark he is a masterpiece. I close the front door.
The world tilts. I can no longer move forward safely. Hugging the gifts to my chest, I slide to the floor. My mind spirals in infinite directions: MS, school, work, New Year’s, boyfriends, lost love. What do I do now?
When Mom yelps, I have my answer. I stumble over myself to get to her, knocking the glass bottles askew in the process.
Audrey FurnasMeet Adia and Miller 2.0. Both have done some growing up since the last story. They've had two years apart, and now Miller's back, out of the blue. The story picks up right where My Totally Elfed Christmas ends. Adia's whole world has been disrupted by her mother's worsening illness. She's facing the first big crisis of her young adult life. For Miller to show back up now is unsettling, to say the least. But there are obviously still feelings there...